The Jammies Ordeal

So yesterday I had a breakdown. A fairly big one. Bigger than I've had in awhile. And over the stupidest thing...jammies. I know, it's really just that the jammies were my trigger, but today I can laugh about it, thank God.

So here's a little back story... Last week Children's Mercy called on 2/23 & proposed Immanuel's surgery date be 3/23 but she was going to check with the surgeon to see if he'd do it on 3/22 to make it easier on us with regard to traveling. She never got back with me. I called on 2/25 to follow up, the surgeon said no to 3/22, she'd given away the 3/23 date (nice), and so we officially set the date for 3/25/10. A mended heart for my son is definitely the best birthday gift I could ever hope for this year...unless they could just give me his troubles, but since that can't happen I'll take the mended heart in him. Anyway, the scheduling was hard. Something about that made it so official. Then starts the planning. Planning for work, school, relatives, etc. My mom lost it when she heard we had a date. Then I get this letter & packet of information from the hospital about how to get ready for the surgery & what to expect a few days ago. I started reading it as I waited for the boys to get out of school but I started to choke up and just put it away. I didn't want to be crying when the boys got in the van & scare them.

That night I read it. It was informative & helpful & yet depressing and scary. Again, all these things are making it so real. Two things in the letter really got to me....one was that they'll give us special soap to use on the baby the night before the surgery. What? Ugh, that feels yucky, whatever it is. The other was the recommendation to bring comfortable, loose-fitting clothes/jammies from home to promote wellness rather than illness. Okay. So I send an email to the CHD group for recommendations as to what kind of jammies from those that have been there done that. That almost made it worse because some suggested jammies with snaps so the cords could go out the holes between the snaps. Others suggested jammies without snaps because the x-rays techs didn't like the metal snaps.

So because I had a coupon for babies-r-us that was expiring I decided to go get him some special jammies for surgery. Once there I found three pairs that kind of fit the bill. As I sat there in the store holding him against me in the sling, he was sleepy and drifting off as I sang "You are my Sunshine," I patted his back and looked over the three pair of jammies I'd selected. One pair was your standard snap-up jammies and a definite yes. The second pair was a top & bottom but the top had two metal snaps to make the neck opening larger to pull over your head. The third pair was a top and bottom with no snaps but the top has to be pulled over the head as is. Then I stood there, holding my precious, sleeping baby, trying to visualize him in the hospital after surgery...should we get the metal snaps one, what about the x-rays, if I get the other pull over ones, will he be able to sit up & have a shirt pulled over his head or will that hurt him? At that point I just lost it and started crying in the store thinking of what my baby is about to endure. I bought all three and just got outta there, crying the entire way home. I cried off and on the next few hours.

My sister-in-law called during that time and let me vent a bit, which was very needed. When Shock got home I showed him the jammies and thankfully rather than responding as he normally would with the "it's just jammies, I don't care, Kendra" reply he gave me his opinion immediately and liked the two with snaps. I thanked him for just helping and not asking questions and then returned what I called my "emotional buy" jammies.

Thankfully since then I have calmed down and I do realize that everything is going to be fine...I've always known that. When he was first diagnosed it was pretty hard but shortly thereafter I just had peace about it because of my faith I knew that God has a plan for him, and while I may not understand, it's not for me to understand, I just need to have faith & trust Him, which I do, and that has done wonders for me. I've think I've been rather stoic up until recently. After reflecting on the jammies ordeal I'm realzing that as the date gets closer, and I keep checking things off the to-do list before surgery, things are just becoming more and more real, which is causing me to feel more anxiety. I explained to my dad that it's like as the surgery nears my feelings and emotions are bubbling to the surface more and more, and that with any little crack in my exterrior those emotions could come pouring out. Occassionally I think it's okay to go there, even cathardic, but for hte most part I'm trying very hard not to dwell in that sad place because I *know* he's going to be fine, he's strong, and our Lord is with him always. I just hate that he has to go through this at all, that he'll be in pain, and that I can't take that away for him.

I am so thankful for our awesome family and friends! You all are proving to be such a great support system - whether it's prayers, love, calls, offers to help in anyway, or simply a place to vent, it's been invaluable and I hope you all know how much you mean to us and how much we love you.

P.S. Above you'll see pictures of the pairs of infamous jammies I got for him. :0)