Happy 1st Birthday, Immanuel Kendrick!

My precious miracle, my little heart baby, Immanuel Kendrick just days old

Immanuel then

and now - Happy 1st Birthday!

Wow, where has the last year gone? How are you already one?! What a year it's been! I want you to know I prayed for you for years. It was September of 2008 and had been 4 years since we'd had Isaac and I recall standing in the garage, sorting stuff, preparing for a garage sale and sobbing. I came to terms in that moment that maybe I was just not to have any more babies and that I should sell everything. I thanked God for the two I had, realizing that some people don't even get that. However, in true Kendra form, I never got the garage sale done, but I did donate quite a few items to a family in need of baby boy stuff. I still prayed for another baby, always knowing somewher quietly in my soul that if I did have another baby, and if it was another boy I would name him Immanuel. In October daddy & I went to see the movie, Fireproof, while the Baba's babysat Isaiah & Isaac. On November 10, 2008 I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't have been happier but I was surprised! Then I remembered our "date night" and figured that had to have been when. I remember thanking God over and over and over. I still had all of my baby stuff - my boy stuff. I'd let go and let God, trusted Him to guide us, and now we were going to have you. Immanuel, which means God is with us, couldn't have been more appropriate. I also knew I wanted your middle name to be Kendrick, after me and my dad. With three boys I had to get my name in there somewhere and I thought it was cool to have a variation of the same name over 3 generations - Kenton, Kendra & Kendrick. Also, each of our boys have gotten an I biblical name, the I for daddy, and a name for one of the grandpa's and I wanted my name in there with you somehow so Kendrick was a nice way to get me in and a variation of your grandpa. The wild part is that when you were born your daddy started to wear this brown t-shirt with gold stud things on it and I thought to myself, "don't wear that, not for our birth pictures." But I was smart and decided not to say anything - he'd freak if I did and that's not something to argue about or start our special day off on the wrong foot over. The best part, he changed! I don't know why because I didn't say anything, but he put his Fireproof t-shirt on that I'd gotten him - the one from the movie. Anyway, I didn't think a thing of it until a girlfriend of mine commented on the pics the day you were born and how she loved his shirt. Then I realized that the day you were conveived (tmi, I know, sorry) we'd seen that movie, and then the day you were born daddy was wearing that shirt! I felt God was with us, for many reasons. But it got even more intense! Months later I was dusting in our room, as I came to dust the book I pulled out "The Love Dare," which is the book that the movie Fireproof is about, and there on the spine are two words, the title of the book and the Author's last name - "The Love Dare" followed by "Kendrick." What?! I had no idea until that moment that the author's name was Kendrick even though I'd had the book since we'd seen the movie! God works in amazing ways, I'm telling you. I got chills that moment and knew how very special your name was - even more than I'd ever thought. You were so meant to be. It was a rough pregnancy, full of bed rest, but thankfully we made it through. However, you didn't seem to want to get out.

Dr. Christman agreed to induce you on 7/17/09 because you were due 7/18, I'd gone early with the other two boys on my own and they were fine, and he was going out of town that weekend. Granny had already come to town not wanting to miss your arrival. So on 7/16 we enjoyed Isaac's 5th birthday, went to All Star Sports that night for Taye's party, and then came home to get ready to go to the hospital in the morning. On Friday, 7/17/09, I got up at 4:00 a.m. to shower, shave and get ready. We took a few pictures and left for the hospital - we were supposed to be there at 5:30 but arrived at 5:45. Daddy joked with me on the way because I was upset about being late, "what are they gonna do? Sorry, ma'am you're late, you'll have to go home, no baby for you today." It was a nice ice breaker that made us both laugh. Amy came shortly after with a plant and balloon. Jessie came later. Due to my Group Strep B we knew I'd have to have antibiotics first. I had no idea it'd take so long to get the meds, get the pitocin going, get the epidural and get labor underway. We called granny and told her to wait awhile to bring the boys up so they wouldn't be bouncing off the walls. I had my meds, then the epidural and was feeling good. We had the sweetest nurse - Huda. Your heart kept dropping everytime they'd turn up the pitocin so they'd have to turn it down. The epidural started to wear off and I was itching like crazy so they gave me some benedryl and another bolus of epi meds - it made me feel really weird. My blood pressure dropped, your heart rate dropped, I had to have oxygen, it was pretty scary for everyone. Finally I felt you give me a big kick and my water broke - first time it's ever broken on it's own. Then you had a really low heart drop. Huda wanted to check me because she said frequently that means you've gone to complete - she was right. I was scared because the epidural was starting to wear off again but I was more afraid of that weird feelings so I was afraid I'd just have to deliver and feel the pain. They set up for delivery. Dr. Christman checked me and said I was just numb enough. Amy, Jessie, Jaques, granny, Isaiah & Isaac were all there & watched as you were born - daddy & I watched in the mirror with daddy by my side. Although, I pushed once, maybe twice, and then Dr. Christman said to wait while he got his gown on. As he did I felt you coming, told them that I wasn't pushing but that you were coming and the resident caught you - you were born at 4:39 p.m. on 7/17/09, and weighed 7lbs 1oz and 19.5 inches long. I guess she didn't know my desire to have you placed on me right away and after daddy cut the cord she handed you off to the nurse at the warmer. It turned out to be a good thing because the boys & everyone went with you to see you. The boys were just in awe of you - watching the three of you at the warmer was the coolest feeling but I wanted so badly to see you up close and to hold you. When I did it was amazing. You looked a lot like your brothers but especially like Isaiah we thought. (However, as time went on you looked more like Isaac and then like a good mix of both.) You dad was so cute because I didn't realize I was hogging you and he said, "can I hold him please?" How incredible - a family of 5 - my 3 sons - heaven. I felt amazing after you were born, changed into my own nightgown, and just soaked you up. The Baba's came to see you that night along with grandpa & GG. You were having a hard time keeping your temp up so we were in our L&D room longer than normal. We moved to our post partum room around 9:30 that night. They told us you had a murmur but that many times newborns do and that thy normally close within a few days. Our hospital stay was lovely. You had your first bath the next day by Midge, had lots of visitors, and although you had the murmur your O2 sats were good so we were allowed to go home on Sunday and told to follow up with our family doctor that week.

Dr. Goering isn't in on mondays so we went in Tuesday. She referred us toa pediatric cardiologist that afternoon - better to be safe than sorry. I figured I was going to check that off the list and be told it was a normal murmur and nothing to worry about. Nothing could have been further from the truth. That day changed everything. At four days old you were diagnosed with a congenital heart defect known as Tetralogy of Fallot. I was devastated and couldn't get out of her office fast enough. I cried so hard in the parking lot. I don't know how I drove home. When daddy saw me (he'd stayed home with the boys) he coudln't believe it. We all cried....and prayed. That night I gave you a bath and washed off the EKG stickers. My sweet baby boy. If only I could give you a perfect heart. Less than a week later I got a letter from KDHE saying your newborn screening results showed you might have cystic fibrosis - my heart sunk. We went in and got re-tested. Thank God it was negative. That gave me the perspective I needed though. At least a heart defect can be surgically treated - cf would almost be a death sentence and has no real treatment. God works in mysterious ways. It made me thankful for our circumstances. I had faith. I KNEW God was taking us through this for a reason, that He'd see us through it, and that everything was going to be fine. We were told you couldn't go to daycare or the church nursery, we couldn't let you get sick, had to go above and beyond to protect you, you'd need RSV shots monthly during the flu season, you couldn't cry for more than 1-2 minutes at a time....ever, or you could have a tet spell. We did all we could. I resigned from my job to stay home with you. From 3 weeks to 10 weeks you had mild colic from 4ish to 10/11ish pm - that was tough, we had to change what we were doing about every 5 minutes to keep you happy & it had to be mama - I never went anywhere without you until after you were 10 months old.

You hated the car. We were always doing whatever we could to keep you from crying and turning blue. You were the sweetest baby though, very laid back, you fit into our family beautifully. Although it felt like you cried a lot sometimes, just because we couldn't let you cry at all, in reality you hardly ever cried. You love sleeping with us, know the moment I've left your side, and recently moved into your crib - a tough move at first but you're doing quite well now and we're all sleeping much better. You love to nurse, refused pacifiers (which I didn't even know babies did!), and love your family. As you've grown this past year I've been pleased with how easy going you are, not in a rush to do anything the way your brothers were. You didn't crawl until you were 8 months old, you didn't get any teeth until you were almost 10 months old, and you walked officially just days ago on 7/14/10. You hate bottles and baby food and have never really eaten it. You love to nurse and don't show signs of stopping any time soon - that's okay with me - I love that special bonding time with you, especially when you're fussy and it quiets you so quickly, or when you're so tired and the minute you start nursing your eyes rolls back and your hand starts kneading me, or your feet walk up my tummy and push on me as your nurse, or how you arms kinda flails, gently smacking my chest or cheek.

As for your heart care, you had your first cardiac catheter 2/18/10 at Children's Mercy Hospital. Your open-heart surgery to repair your defects was on 3/25/10 at Children's Mercy. That was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. However, I couldn't be more proud of how you and our family handled it - we stuck together, we had faith, it brought us closer than ever, I thank God for that. You had some complications after surgery but we got through them and got to go home on 3/31. At your first check up you still had some issues of concern - enlarged heart, elevated pressure in the chambers, two patch leaks at the VSD, and a leaky tricupsid and mitral valve. We went back to KC on 5/28 to see Dr. Hubbell - he wants to do another cath, he's afraid you'll need surgery next month. Your 2nd cardiac cath was done on 6/10/10 - the issues are still there but not as bad as he'd expected - we don't have to have another surgery for now and must follow up in four months.

You are the sweetest baby, you love your crazy brothers, you get super excited when daddy comes home, watching you walk is amazing, I love hearing your babbling voice, I love how you smell after a shower, rocking you and singing "baby booga, baby booga, I love you, I love you, you're my baby manuel, you're my baby manuel, booga-loo, booga-loo" among other lullabies as you drift off to sleep. I want to hold onto you forever. I want to feeze time. But in the same breath, I love watching you grow, watching you learn, it's amazing. I can't imagine life without you. I wish this year hadn't gone so quickly and yet I look forward to the next...more words, running, climbing, laughing, playing, all that your life holds for you, and getting to be a part of it, watching you go through it all, and doing it as a family, sharing it with you. Words can't explain how much we all love you. You are such a blessing to us, God has such great things planned for you! I just thank Him for trusting me enough & for picking me to be your heart mom - you've had my heart from the moment I knew you were in me, but when we met it was totally over. Good think you kinda think I hung the stars and the moon, too! ;) Having my boys has taught me what it's like to have your heart walking around outside of your chest, totally exposed and vulnerable, and yet more joyous and exciting than one can understand. You are my amazing, brown-eyed, curly-haired, mended-heart, miracle baby and I love you oh so much. Happy 1st Birthday, Immanuel Kendrick, mama loves you!!!!

Happy 6th Birthday, Isaac Thomas!

My sweet Isaac Thomas Then - just 2 days old

And now - on his 6th birthday

Oh, how did my sweet baby Isaac get to be 6 already?! It just seems like yesterday that we were expecting you, then having you, holding you in our arms, a family of four. What an awesome 6 years it been!

I want to start by remembering this day 6 year ago...it was a Friday, I woke up around 5 a.m. with slight contrations. As I made coffee they were more noticable so I decided to take a shower just in case. Once in there they really picked up so I told Shock to wake up granny that we were going to the hospital. In no time I was definitely in labor - I couldn't believe when granny stopped at a barely yellow light on the way to the hospital before 7 a.m.! We were admitted, I told them my last labor was 10 hours total & that I'd learned from that experience that I didn't want my water broken until my epidural was good & numb. We got all the papers and stuff done, monitor was going, I was progressing, epidural had me happy, and granny was entertaining little almost two-year-old Isaiah with Sesame Street dvd's. Then I told everyone to go to lunch and when they got back we'd break my water and have a baby. The doctor (and everyone) thought I was crazy but I told them, "really, go, have lunch, it'll make everyone feel better, and when you get we'll do this." So that's what happened - daddy, granny, Isaiah & auntie Jessie went to eat, along with Dr. Christman. Our nurse, Ken, stayed with me. When everyone returned Dr. Christman broke my water and said he'd stay nearbye just in case. Sure enough in less than 20 minutes I was complete and ready to push! They set up the mirror, I pushed only a few times (I remember watching in the mirror & just being fascinated) and out came Isaac Thomas Maikori. I cried. Everyone was in awe. You went right on my tummy/chest and we marveled at you. You looked a lot like your brother. You had tons of black hair. You were so sweet! 6lbs 6oz, 19 inches long, born 7/16/04 at 12:59 p.m. Your labor and birth experience was the best one I've had. It was quiet, intimate, controlled, memorable, perfect. 15 hours later, at 3 a.m. during a routine check they said you were having a hard time breathing. They took you to the nursery, I followed. They did x-rays and told me you had a touch of pneumonia on one lung and had to go to the special care nursery. I was devastated. We came immediately in the morning (maybe 6 a.m.) to see you. It broke my heart to see you in the warmer with a IV and all these tubes. The worst came when we had to leave you at the hospital for one night after I was discharged on Sunday. Thankfully due to the mother-baby program I was given a room the next day in your name on the floor next to the special care nursery and we were able to stay with you the rest of the week. We were discharged the day you were one week old. Hooray!

I also want to reflect on the last 6 years with you. You are hysterical! That is the first thing that comes to mind. I love your sense of humor and you always keep us laughing. Your name, Isaac, which means laughter, couldn't be more appropriate! Also, your middle name, Thomas, after your grandpa, couldn't be more appropriate because you definitely have a sense of humor and wit about you just like him (and mommy!). As a baby you loved binkies & nursing, hated bottles. You came around on the bottles eventually but it was hard to get you to give up your binky. You never had a favorite blanket but love your "green pillow." You loved Baby Einstein and Blue's Clues. You also loved your big brother and were such a welcome addition to our family. You've always had tons of hair and had your first haircut before your first birthday. We really cut it short "big boy" style when you were around 2 and I'm sorry we did - you look too old now when I look back on pictures of you then. I love your big curls. Speaking of curls, ever since you were a baby and still to this day when you're tired you rub your hair at the front of your head, which you now call "your curl," and I'll never forget the first time we cut your hair off & your hand went up there to rub and you could tell you didn't know what to do without it there. You're still that way today when we cut it short - you miss your curl to rub. You say the funniest things and have the best comedic timing. You're a skinny thing and although you eat (you love pizza the most!) you've always been smaller - I was so scared when you were a baby because you almost fell off the growth chart! You slept with us until you were 10 months old. When we kicked you out and put your crib downstairs you were furious and had 3 nights of good cry-it-out spells before you gave in - then you loved your crib and would sometimes even go to the stairs and point downstairs saying, "ni-ni mama, ni-ni" when you were tired and wanted to go to bed. You were hilarious and would scale out of your crib - I'll never forget the day I came in to you crawling along the chair rail ledge - you'd gotten out of the crib, onto the rail, and were crawling over to the guest bed to get down & out....escape artist. ;) You've always loved music and to talk. I was so amazed at how articulate you were at such a young age - you talked way more than Isaiah did by 1, 1.5 years. You were always humming or singing tunes and knew your abc's by around 14 months old. I remember Aunt Susan being so impressed with you at GG's 90th birthday party because you were just 2 but sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for her all the time and not only did you know all the words but you were so in tune! She still talks about that to this day. I loved how for Halloween one year when you were 1, Isaiah was Batman and you were Robin - but you HATED the Robin eye mask and freaked out while I was trying to take your picture. It's also hilarous to me that you wanted to be the "GPS man" for Halloween when you were 4 and hands down had the best costume of the night according to everyone we passed - you had a UPS box for your candy and everything! And that was your choice! You loved the UPS man (or GPS as you called him) that came to granny & grandpa's when you stayed with them so when you saw that costume it was a done deal! I also love how when you are away from home you miss me. You're very brave with Isaiah, and it's never bothered him to be away from us, but you're different. I don't like for you to be upset but it's precious to me how you just kinda get homesick from time to time and just want your mommy. You'll cry for me, granny will call, we'll talk, and then you're okay. You're my sensitive son. You are the sweetest, kindest boy and your heart is tender - I love that about you. You love big and you hurt big. I hate when your feelings are hurt or when you cry. I love how thoughtful you are. You open doors for mommy, give me flowers, dance with me, and recently wanted to make me breakfast just because. I pray you hold onto those qualities and shower your wife with that love, tenderness, and romance one day. You love to snuggle, hug and give kisses. I'll take those forever. You were very upset once when we were talking about heaven & what happens after you die - you told me you like your body - so cute. You've always looked up to Isaiah and couldn't wait to do all the things he did. We knew you were ready to start school the year after him even though you were almost 2 years apart because you were so advanced academically for your age and because you couldn't wait to go to school with him. Your first day of pre-k was hard on me and yet I was so happy for you. I was amazed because you'd been more of my "spirited" or sometimes "challenging" child but in school you were an angel and moved your clip only 2 times the entire year - several less than Isaiah had in pre-k. In Kindergarten you did even better! The first week or so of school I remember Isaiah asking if you guys could walk in without me - it broke my heart as I watched you two walk in together - not "needing" me in that regard. It made me proud and yet marked a new point in your lives where I knew you were really growing up and away...I guess I'm doing my job if you're both confident enough to go in alone...and yet I'd love to hold your hands & walk you in forever. Mrs. Andres couldn't say enough nice things about you, what a good student you were, how you helped her, and what an awesome friend you were to others - always worried about how others felt and wanting to make them comfortable. You were even the 1st quarter super star! I'm so proud of you for so many reasons. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better I got to see you as a big brother. Wow. You are so sweet, kind and loving with Immanuel. You love holding him, kissing him, helping with him, playing with him, anything you can do. He loves seeing you, too! He looks so much like you did as a baby. You're a great little brother, too. I guess that means you're just an awesome middle brother! I love your creativity, your imagination, and listening to you play with Isaiah, making up stories, or watching you dance and play, singing along to songs or commercials, seeing your art work when you color, paint or cut, how specific you are in your writing - you love to be neat in your penmanship, and even how anal you are when you mess up you get very frustrated and have to crunch the paper up and start all over. You hate to be wet - that cracks me up. You love to potty outside. Sheesh - boys! I love watching you learn to read and how well you're doing. I love your attitude - one look at your kindergarten graduation picture says it all -you're always posing and being silly and it's great! Your hysterial personality shines through all you do. You currently say, "dude!" all the time and drive your daddy crazy with that. You recently lost your first tooth and were so freaked out by it - you did NOT want me pulling it or touching it, but it finally came out. Now you have another loos one but won't even let me wiggle it, lol! You talk about girls too much - much more than Isaiah did, so I have a feeling I'm going to have my hands full when you're of age to really pay attention to girls. I even overheard you downstairs playing on time and you told Isaiah that "So and so is my girlfriend and Hannah is my wife." Ugh-oh! I quickly explained to you that you don't ever get to have both - you were so embarassed that I'd overheard you & didn't want to talk about it. You crack me up! You're just the neatest kid, fun to be around, always willing to compromise, a good little and big brother (just the fact that you don't mind sharing your birthday with Immanuel says so much about you!), quite the comedian, an excellent student, a lover, a musical soul, always willing to say the first prayer and do a beautiful job of it, and such a joy! I love you more than words could ever express Isaac Thomas! I look foward to continuing to watch you grow from the baby I once held in my arms and sang lullabies to as I rocked you to sleep, worried about in the hospital your first week of life, to the "terrific" toddler you were, to the silly boy you are now that brings such joy and laughter to our family, into the young man you'll soon be, busy with school, sports, and girls, to one day a man, hopefully with a lovely wife and your own beautiful children - you'll be a wonderful husband and an incredible daddy. Always remember to love, respect & treasure your wife, play with your kids, have lots of fun with them but teach them also, cherish every second with all of them, and above all, remember God every minute of everyday, pray often, and make Him the center of your life and your family. I will always be with you, whether near or far, forever in your heart & your memories, and I love you more than you'll ever know, more even than I can comprehend...I thank God for the day He trusted me enough & chose me to be your mom....what a blessing that beautiful day was, six years ago, July 16, 2004, at 12:59 p.m. my life forever changed for the better. Happy 6th Birthday, Isaac, I love you!!!!

Yep, it's official - he's walking!

I posted earlier that while I was videotaping the boys Immanuel took almost 8 steps in a row -the longest ever. Well, it's now 1:45 p.m. and he's taken long walks of steps more times today now than I can count! He walks, plops/falls down, and within seconds is back up walking steps again! And before today I've only see him take steps from the couch, love seat or coffee table. Today he's taken off from the kitchen table, the kitchen holding onto the wall, the couch toward the kitchen, and the usual places - just about anywhere he's been today he's trying to walk longer stretches! I've also caught him just standing there holding toys not holding anything for assistance many times today - I think he's found his balance (for the most part) now and is ready to take on the world standing up and with one foot in front of the other!

Things I love about my boys...

There's a million things I love about my boys - too many to count, list or remember, but this morning I'm thinking of some and I want to reflect. This is one of those moments where I'm thinking about their upcoming birthdays, wondering where the time has gone since each of them were born, thinking about the people they're becoming, about how quickly these days will be gone and how I need to soak it up now, how to remember it all, and that I'd better write some things down before I forget.

I love when they wake up in the morning and are so sweet, still dazed, and love to snuggle. Even when their breath is horrid, I love it. I love that two or three days ago Immanuel woke up in our bed, my back was turned to him, he leaned over me and gave me one open-mouth kiss after another until I'd gotten about 7 or 10, also in the morning grogginess, an almost delirious-like happiness he gets when he's not even fully awake and yet so adorable! This state also happens at night when he's really tired. I love when Isaac's tired how he rubs the front of his hair, which he calls "his curl." Or now that Isaiah's getting so big he now tells me when he's tired and had enough and is heading to bed. He was recently so proud that during his trip to Colorado with granny and grandpa he "almost slept around the clock! 11 hours and 50 minutes. And Isaac slept 5 minutes shy of that." And keeping it to the minute is SO Isaiah.

I love when they say hiarious things that make us laugh and wonder where in the world that came from - like when Isaac recently was so proud that he'd wiped his butt better, or when he dances like a clown, when Immanuel does this little smiling gring with crinkled nose and makes this breathing/snorting in and out noise with his air, or when Isaiah, yesterday in the car, says to me, "hey mom, a liar says what" super fast so that when I said, "what?" (knowing what he was trying to do) he giggles with excitement that he "got me" and then explained the "joke" to me - I then told me we used to do the same thing when I was his age. What fun it is to see them learning and doing the same things like this that we used to do - the hand clapping game, the so and so says what joke, and so on. I love how they clown about different things - although gross and inappropriate, in the privacy of our home it's funny - like Sunday as I was getting ready for church, ironing, I farted, then Isaiah came in to talk to me and wanted to know what was that horrible smell. I couldn't stop laughing and told him what had happened. Then I tried to kep talking to him to which he said, "if you want to talk can we at least come out here where it doesn't smell so horrible?!" LOL! I especially love when they laugh so hard that they can't control it - it's absolutely contagious - this happened just a couple days ago in the van - I don't know why they laughter started but it did with Isaiah and Isaac, they were beside themselves, which made me burst into laughter with them. I love that.

I love when they are so excited about new things, like last night when Isaiah's first ever tackle football practice was in jeapordy of being cancelled due to rain - you've never seen a 7-year-old checking the weather out the window more, or saying to his mom anymore times, "It looks like we'll be having practice now, the storms seem to be moving the other way." Or how Isaac and Immanuel are especially into music - Isaac loves to dance, sing, be-box, sway, tap, whatever, to any song, beat, commerical he hears with a tune.....and Immanuel seems to be similar, he's now moving his arms and jumping a bit when he hears music.

I love watching the excitment and pride in their faces when they're doing new things - again, Isaiah just beamed last night at football practice, his eyes twinkling, even when he fell or was tired from running so hard, you could just see the joy oozing from his soul - this is something he's wanted to do forever and now it's finally here and that was written all over his face, his body language, everything.

I love watching them sleep. Seeing the baby (Immanuel) with his arms folded over his face as he sleeps - how he kicks the blanket (every blanket) off him in his sleep, how he smiles in his sleep when the dreams are good or he sees angels dancing, how cute they are when they're sleeping together (sometimes Isaiah & Immanuel, sometimes Isaaac & Immanuel, sometimes Isaiah & Isaac, rarely all three) or on daddy, how peaceful all three of them are when asleep, to see their little faces, big beautiful lips so pouty and full, their chests going up and down, slight nasal sounds as they breath so deeply, almost snoring and sometimes actually snoring, bodies so limp and peaceful, to see them snuggled in the fetal postion in feety jammies, or snuggled up with their cherished blankets, pillows or lovies, to rub their foreheads, stroke their hair, give them silent kisses, smell their hair and necks as I kiss them, breathing them in as I stand over their beds and wonder how they've gotten so big and think to myself to capture this moment in my brain beause before long they'll all be grown and gone and I'll long for those crazy days when my boys were little and loved being with their mommy, loved giving me kisses and hugs, loved playing skip-bo with me or being rocked by me, or hearing stories I told of my childhood or memories of them being born and growing. I even love it when I wake them up to go potty and Isaiah jumps us in a robotic sleep and does what's asked without even realizing he's up and goes right back to sleep, how Isaac is impossible to get up and is so out of it you have to do everything for him or he'd pee on the wall with pants on and not know the difference, (as he once did over the railing to the landing below), how when poor Isaac has an accident and is upset by it sometimes he'll change his own clothes and get a towel for his bed and goes right back to sleep, others he's upset by his accident and I can hear him crying in his room. I hate for him to cry and yet I love that I hear his lonely cry and went to help my baby, kindly hugging him, telling him it's okay, dressing him in dry clothes and changing his bed for him, making him feel better and then tucking him in and kissing him as he drifts back to sleep, now dry and comfortable. I even love how Immanuel will sleep so long in on me or touching me but if I move he's up pretty quickly. It's nice that he's learning to sleep in his crib now but I'll also always cherish this first year of having him sleep with us and feeling his touch next to me, of waking to his smiling, drunk with sleep face in the morning, and even of seeing him asleep, eyes closed, but baby bird mouth searching for his "breast friend." How when they do wake up they sometimes have sweaty heads, especially the baby, clothes indentions on their faces, and the wildest bed-heads - Immanuel & Isaac's all over the place and Isaiah's smashed flat on one side and not the other. I also love how when they do have accidents (more when they were a little younger than now) they swear (especially Isaiah) that he's just sweaty. Or how Immanuel moves all over the place while asleep, rolling, sitting up, moving arms, head going side to side, looking to nurse, kicking blankets off, smiling, frowning, making little noises, you name it, he does it.

I love how excited they all get to see each other - especially days like yesterday when we were at the store and the two older boys had gone to the restroom, while Immanuel and I stood and waited. As they came out and were running down the aisle toward us Immanuel was so full of excitement he nearly jumped out of my arms, kicking his feet, flailing his arms, grinning from ear to ear, squeeling with joy as his big brothers approached and then diving out of my arms into Isaiah's to be with them. Then to see the three of them standing in front of all the TV's at the store watching Toy Story as I was printing pictures - just so happy together. You can tell that even at almost 1, he wants so badly to be big enough to go and play with them. Although they already do that alot - he loves for them to have him on the floor with them, tackling and rolling all over the place, this ball of three little energetic boys, that made granny nervous last week when we were on vacation at Table Rock. You'd swear the baby is going to be hurt (which he might be accidentally) or is being tortured, but then you see his face as the ball rolls in such a position to show him and he's loving it, smiling and laughing right along with his brothers. Boys will be boys. :) Maybe I'm a bad mom for letting them do some of that rough housing but I have to admit - they love it, and I love watching them love it and LIVE their life actively, not in a protective bubble. Yes, I'm safe, I'm proactive, and I will always take a stand for my boys (some they'll like and some they'll hate) in their best interests, but I want there to be a balance of safety, caution and carefulness, with fun, spontanaiety, and carefree moments of bliss!

I love how they help & encourage each other - yesterday Isaiah and Isaac worked so nicely together sharing their Taco Bell toys, and their food, and how they worked cooperatively to pass out birthday invitations at each how we drove to. How they love to help Immanuel with new things and how they take such delight in his new accomplishments and firsts - they've loved seeing him stand along, taking first steps, and they're sure he's said Isaiah and Isaac a few times. While he's not really, there have been two times when the noises and babbling he makes sure did sound just like Isaiah once and just like Isaac once. I also love how they can irritate and annoy each other and yet when one is awake and the other isn't they want to wake the sleeping one up to play because they're bored alone.

I love how they use their imaginations. About a week ago when we were getting ready to leave for vacation Isaiah and Isaac were playing with their remote control cars but without the remotes. They were pretending to be police men on patrol together. They drove here and there, pulling over offenders and taking them to jail, and then they'd get gas and on their lunch breaks went to two drive-ins, one was Bionic Burger, and orders burgers, fries, ice cream, etc., and I listen to them as I'm studying - Isaac says, "Isaiah, let's go to Bionic Burger!" Isaiah says, "Okay, you go and order for me, I'm going to the bathroom," "Okay, we'll have 2 burgers, two french fries, and two blueberry banana shakes," "Isaiah, do you want a shake?" "yeah, let's get two" "okay, make it two blueber banana shakes for both of us." Then they drove somewhere to eat and then went to another place to order another lunch!

I love how the baby loves getting in the dog's box. How he crawls over the wired entry with knees held strangely off the ground as he gets over it almost without touching. How he's now learned to open the door to the dog's box to get to the toys he's dropped in there. How he gets scared when the dog barks and crawls to me at super-fast speeds for safety. How he plays with everything he's not supposed to and has an uncanny ability to find the smallest thing on the floor to put in his mouth. How he adores his brothers and get so excited when he sees his daddy. How he "acknowledges" everyone with his arm up, hand turned out with palm up toward each person. How he loves ducks, balloons, and music and really digs swimming - kicking his feet like crazy in the water. How he loves drinking from real cups or our water bottles but wants nothing to do with sippy cups or bottles - much like his attitude toward real food vs. baby food and breastmilk vs. formula. How he's recently started kicking his feet and flailing his arms like crazy in the carseat, laughing and showing off for himself in his mirror and for his brothers if they're watching. How he sits in the high chair at the table and kicks the table getting super crunk, smacking the table and laughing. How you go crazy now when you see yogert sticks or ice cream - watch out! Somebody better have one for you!! I love how he's a baby monkey, hanging on me all the time. How he gives open-mouth kisses but doesn't hesitate to smack you in the face when he's over you and doesn't like what you're doing. I even love how he can have such a nasty, bratty attitude sometimes. Little stinker!

I love how Isaiah and Isaac love each other so, even when they don't realize it. They play together all the time - playstation or wii, imaginary games of soccer in the living room, police with their cars, games on my cell phone, coloring, watching movies, playing outside, etc., They're even now starting to tease each other about girls - Addie Wasson in particular. How Isaiah has gotten old enough now that he wouldn't dance with Lauren & Libby at Tyler's wedding 7/10/10 but Isaac loved cuttin a rug with his mama and granny and eventually danced a little with the girls. Isaiah barely danced at all but did with his mama a little - how sweet. I whispered in their ears about how one day this will be us dancing at their wedding and how that day is going to come too quickly for their mommy and how I'll always cherish these moments when they only want to dance with me. How they didn't want to spin under my arm but wanted to spin me under theirs. How they get on each others nerves but miss one another when they're apart. How Isaiah plays so beautifully with his legos independently. How Isaac says "dude!" all the time and Isaiah always says "eachudder" for each other.

Ahhhhh, I could go on and on and on. I love these three boys more than I could ever explain for more reasons than I could ever count. I just have to stop myself here because they're all awake, playing, and I need to go be with them, not just writing about them. In fact, as I've been typing this they were having "soccer try-outs," which I videotaped, during which time, the baby walked the most steps I've seen yet and I caught in on tape!!! After turning the camera off he walked 8 steps!!! I love my Isaiah Ibrahim! I love my Isaac Thomas! I love my Immanuel Kendrick! I love my boys!!!! This love is so unreal. Thank you God!

Slept through the night?

I think you could almost say he did! Last night was a bit off because daddy had a softball game at the church at 9:05 p.m. so we didn't get home until 10:30 p.m. So we didn't lay down to nurse and go night night until around 11:00 p.m. He nursed for awhile and feel asleep. I think I took him to his crib around 11:30 p.m. but it might have been a little earlier. He went in there without a peep. He did fuss a little around 12:30 but it was literally just a few noises and he was back to sleep. Next time I heard from him was 7:00 a.m.! I nursed him from 7 - 7:30 a.m. in our bed and he slept in there until 8:30 a.m. Even then he woke briefly and as I'm typing this he's on my lap nursing and basically asleep and it's now almost 9:00 a.m. Sleepy baby!

Yesterday he also kinda said mama. He was at the table in his chair eating after dinner and I was getting him cleaned up a little so we could get up and go take a bath. He was "talking" and I kept saying, "say ma ma" to him as I often do. As I was repeating "ma ma, ma ma" he said it back almost plain as day! I got excited as I picked him up and said, "I think he really said it!" Shock was on the couch and said "yeah, he definitely did!" Now granted, it wasn't like he said it to me or with knowing that mama is me, but he definitely said it repeating me, and that was the first time he's done it so obviously. He "babbles" mamamamama sounds a lot, but never just ma ma, right after me, and then done. Yea!

9:00 a.m. Isaac came upstairs. Immanuel just grins ear to ear to see his big brother. We all snuggle, hug, and kiss on the couch amidst lots of smiles. As I hugged Isaac I said to him, "I can't believe you're almost 6! Can you stop growing please?" To which she says, "I don't know how. I'm only growing like one inch a day." What a cutie! I sure do love these boys! Although it's hectic, crazy, busy, and sometimes overwhelming, I adore being the mommy to my guys and wouldn't trade it for the world!

He took two steps!

I'm sitting here on the couch doing a lab assignment on the gross anatomy of the brain and to my left is Immanuel holding onto the coffee table with the deflated football in one hand and the small basketball (that used to belong to a build-a-bear) in the other. He rolled the basketball to me on the table and I rolled it back. As I did the ball rolled off the table and toward his toy area. As it did I watched him watch the ball and then let go of the table to go get the ball. I watched the wheels in motion in his head. He took one step and then another! The knees bent a bit on the second step but he straigtened back up in an attempt to take a third but then plopped down and crawled to get it - all with the deflated football still in the other hand! I'm so proud! That's the first time I've seen him really take two official steps and remain up for long enough to count them as steps. Previously he's only gotten one and then dropped. We are making major progress! It's only a matter of time until my baby boy is walking! Time is going too fast for this mommy!

Father's Day & crib update

We had the most awesome Father's Day yesterday! First, we all woke up and gave daddy our gifts & cards. We'd gotten him a sterling silver dog tag necklace with a photo on it of all three boys & engraved on the back. He loved it! We given him a similar gift 5 years ago from the older boys, which he's cherished since. The boys also worked very hard to make him their own cards, pictures, and decorated envelopes while at granny & grandpa's.

Then I made everyone a big breakfast - waffles, sausage, bacon, eggs, juice, coffee - our families favorite meal! Even Immanuel enjoyed some waffles as we all sat together and talked over our delicious meal.

Then we all curled up on the couches and watched "Where the Red Fern Grows." Isaiah cried. Sweet boy. Mama teared up, too, daddy even did a little. We explained to Isaiah that we'd both watched that movie when we were his age and it made us cry, too. But we pointed out how God does things according to His plan & His time and how the dogs were an answer to so many of the families prayers in ways they didn't even understand - but God did. Even the dogs' passing was a blessing of sorts. Bless his heart for being so sweet and scentimental. I love that about him. I'm glad my boys have empathy for other and animals.

Then I studied while they played. Next we all got ready and went to the church for daddy's softball games - a double header! That was a blast and they won both games! It's so cute to see the boys cheering for their daddy, playing nicely with other kids they've just met, and just being able to run around freely and be boys while the baby and I hold it down on the lawn chairs.

After the games we came home for showers and dinner. I made healthy choice kilbasa-like sausages, baked potatoes and corn - a meal that was exciting to everyone and corn that was requested by all of my big boys - daddy included. After dinner the boys went to bed and I studied until midnight when I couldn't take it anymore and had to sleep. All in all it was an AWESOME day. I am so blessed to have all of these amazing men in my life. Not only do I have an incredible husband, who is a great father to our three boys, but I also have a great father-in-law and my dad has always been amazing and is there for me in more way than I could've ever imagined and then some.

As for Immanuel - no naps happened in the crib yesterday. He nursed until 9 and I put him in his crib. He cried for about 45 minutes and was asleep. He woke up more often last night than he has been - I think it was around 1, not much crying after he nursed & I put him back in there, again around 5:30 - and I think he slept with me after that. Those 4/5 feedings are blurry for me and I end up falling asleep with him in our bed so he gets to stay the rest of the night/morning with us. Oh well. I still think things are going good!

Day & Night #5

No real nap opportunities in the crib today as we had things to do all day. In the morning the napped while we were at Isaiah's baseball game - around 10:45 - 11:15ish. In the afternoon we had to go to Sarah's bridal shower so you fell asleep in the car & slept awhile there - around 1:45 - 2:30ish. In the evening we went to church and you fell asleep on the way home and then slept on daddy - around 6:30 - 7:30ish. Then at night time you nursed from 9:55 to 10:25 p.m. I put you down and at first you only cried 5 minutes and seemed to be asleep. After 5 or 10 minutes you cried some more but only briefly (under 5 minutes) and you were asleep. You then awoke at 3:30 a.m. and nursed in bed with us. I made the mistake of not putting you back in your bed so then you awoke to nurse again at 6:30 a.m. and again at 8:00 a.m. and then you were up. Now it's 9:20 and you're nursing again. You really do so much better at just sleeping when you're in your own crib - and mama and daddy sleep better, too! I'm going to try harder to put you back in there after the 3:30/4:30 a.m. feeding - it'll be better for all of us, I just have to stay awake myself to do so! Here's hopin and prayin!

Day & Night #4

It was awesome!!! I put him down for a nap at 11:00 a.m. and he cried for 50 minutes and then slept for almost 30. I'll take it. The afternoon nap happened while on mama in the pool at the Y. I needed a break from studying so surprised the big boys with a trip to the pool. They all three loved it but Booga pooped out mid-way through. That night thought we ate cheerios, bananas, baby rice cereal, and tea biscuits and were a mess. The older boys had gone with daddy to his softball game so I have Immanuel a bubble bath. He wasn't that thrilled as I'm pretty sure he was tired. So after his bath we got jammies on, nursed, and he was out around 7:45 ish. The boys got home, he woke up long enough to go to daddy, and slept on daddy until 10:45 p.m. I then nursed him and put him in his crib at 11:00 p.m. He cried pretty hard when I first put him down & walked out but as I watched on the monitor he was asleep in less than 5 minutes!! LOVE IT!!! I even went in there and moved him because he didn't look comfortable to me and he didn't wake up. The next time I heard from him was 4:30 a.m. when I nursed him and as usual we all fell asleep in our bed. He slept in our bed until 8:00 a.m. Although we're forming a habit between 4:30 a.m. & 8:00 a.m. I'm thrilled and will take it!

Night #3 in his crib

Last night went pretty well for Immanuel in his crib. However, we did allow him to stay up later than usual. Granny & Uncle K.T. were here and he was just being so cute. He wasn't fussy and was just playing with the boys, rolling all over the floor drunk with sleep being adorable so daddy wanted to let him hang out. Finally I nursed him one last time and put him down at 11:00 p.m. He cried, of course, when I laid him down at first, but as I watched hin on the monitor he calmed down fairly quickly and was asleep by 11:15 p.m.! He then woke up at 4:30 a.m. and I brought him into our bed to nurse. He ate but I fell asleep too and so we all just slept together the rest of the night. It's now 8:15 a.m. and he's still sleeping in our bed. I consider this a success despite his time in our bed in the early morning hours!

Immanuel is 11 months old today!

Immanuel Kendrick - we love you!

11 months old already & so serious!

11 months old - 6/17/10 JC Penney's Pictures

Before the braids were in - so cute!

Lovin' Cheerios, the shirt & the braids!

Getting real sassy with mommy - love how this shows your attitude.

By the sliding door you love to look out of with your 1st braids.

Being silly on the couch with mommy 6/17/10

With your brothers at the YMCA 6/18/10 - your 1st trip to the outdoor pool & you loved it!

One of your "kleenex incidents." You're so proud!

Where does the time go? How are you almost 1-year-old? What a joy the last 11 months have been. I love you so much. There are so many awesome things about you - your two bottom teeth & how you smile and seemingly stick them out in your grin as if you now know you have teeth down there to show off as opposed to the "fly trap" gummy grins of just 2 months ago, how you laugh when you're doing things you're not supposed to do, how you're so ticklish, how you get excited when you see cheerios or star puffs, how you squeel and stand on your tip toes at the banister when daddy comes home from work, or how you cry if he doesn't come get you right away (if anyone of us walks by you when you're happy to see us, for that matter - not that we do that often, it's just when we have to wash our hands or something first), or how you crawl away from me on the couch and then look back over your should to grin at your accomplishment & seem excited that you "got away." And speaking of getting away, I also love how latley you've gotten pretty "sassy" with me. Mama will tell you no and in response you raise one arm and make this loud, almost yelling noise back at me, obviously letting me know you disagree or don't like what I'm saying. Just a few days ago we went back and forth between mommy telling you no (you were messing with my A & P lab manuel) and you "yelling" back and around and around we went - I had to try hard not to laugh, so I called granny so she'd hear it and as soon as I did you quit - turkey. I love how you adore looking out the window from the couch or how you sit at the sliding glass door and watch the world outside. I love how you bang on the sliding glass door when Niko is outside or how you try to race onto the baseball turf during the boys' practice. I love how it scared you yesterday when you were banging your toys on Niko's box, which made him bark, which made you cry and I made you feel better. I love that you're getting brave nowadays and standing without holding anything, even though you don't realize it, while clapping, and how you're going from the coffee table to the couch almost without touching anything, how you've taken 1 step twice now and crashed, but we know it's so close. Seeing you go across the room walking behind the push toy. I love that you learned to climb the stairs this month (or at least we'd never given you the chance until now) and now you race to them eagerly at every opportunity and are obviously delighted by your own achievements in climbing. I love that we have to race in and out of the frige now because if we don't you're all over the bottle in the door - same is true with the pantry. I love that we now have to lock all the cabinets again and keep the bathroom door shut or else you're in Niko's water, and that we can't leave kleenex boxes within your reach or there's 20 out on the floor before I know it. I love that when you're near the couch and quiet we know bad things are happening - which usually means you're under one of the end tables trying to chew on cords from the laps, the phone, the laptop or you're stuck behind the end table tangled in the cords, grinning and loving it. It cracks me up that several times in the last month you'd stood at your hamper in your room and then it's fallen over with you and while you're not hurt you're also not sure what to do next or how to get up but you keep doing it. You've also graduated to the stroller without the carrier and the seat in the shopping basket at the store - so big. I love that you get so excited and reach for daddy when it's time to shower with him and how you recently started grabbing and peeking over the top of the shower door. I love how when you see something you want and are excited about but are in mid-air that you kick your feet almost like you're riding a bicycle trying so hard to get to it. I love that I tried pulling your hair up this month and how cute you are with it in braids. I even love that I have to cut your nails all the time (just did yesterday) because you hold your "bottle" (me!) so tightly when nursing that if not trimmed your fingers hurt me. I love watching you nurse, how you knead while you do, even when you fall asleep with it, how you tiny head sweats and your curls get tighter, and you sometimes cover your face and eyes with your arm so it's not bright as you nod off, how when it moves, you move, and how when it's taken away from you, you instinctively search around, open-mouthed, eyes closed like a baby bird and how when you do find it and are sleepy your eyes roll back, your body relaxes and you seem to be in heaven - it's heaven for me to see you like that. I love it when you're so tired that you're deliriously happy and drunk with sleep, teetering around the bed, falling over, grinning, sitting up and falling over again. I love watching you play with your toys - you love your stacking rings, the ducks and your small basketball the most, aside from the other "toys" that aren't supposed to be toys like the remote, cell phone, daddy's laptop, my keys etc. I love watching you with your brothers. You light up when they enter the room, squeal with delight when they play with you and how silly you all are together. There are just so many neat things about your personality. I've loved watching you the last 11 months, getting to know you, and I'm thrilled to continue to watch as you unfold before our eyes - our little booga-loo. It's amazing to me what you've been through and what a trooper you are. I'm especially thankful this month that we've made it through your 2nd cardiac catheter with the best news ever - no 2nd surgery needed for now. We don't even have to go back to the cardiologist for 4 months! No more meds! We still have to protect you from illness but you can cry like a normal baby now. Priase God for you and all you've been through. You are our miracle, for so many reasons, and I love you more than I can ever explain. Happy 11 months, sweet Immanuel, mama loves you!

The cry-it-out journey to the crib begins...

So on 6/15/10 I decided it was time for Mr. Immanuel to meet his crib. The day before he didn't nap well and this day was starting in a similar fashion. Bless his heart but he wants to hang on me, nurse, and use me as a pacifier while he sleeps all day. There have been a few times he's napped in his crib but it's rare. He sleeps better in the swing and sometimes on the floor. If he can't be on mommy her bed is the next best thing. However, that has too many dangers at this point and makes her nervous. So I'm needing to study, he's fallen asleep on my lap while nursing and I simply removed it from his mouth. Ha! He went from totally sleeping to screaming in seconds. You woulda thought I'd slapped him. I think to myself, "this is rediculous, you're going to the crib." I rationalize with myself along the way, "the doctors said it's okay for him to cry it out, three doctors have said this, he's past surgery, he's past the 2nd heart cath, there's no reason now can't be the time to transition, it's for the best for all of us."

So it's 12:12 p.m., he's nursed, he's been changed, we walk into his beautiful nursery (nicest room in the house, in my opinion) I kiss him, tell him I love him, it's time to take a nap, night night. I laid him down and he immediately stood up and began screaming. I put his mobile on and the aquarium and left. I'm thinking, "he's tired, all needs are met, I'm sure he'll cry for awhile but he'll sleep eventually." So I turn on the baby monitor and watch. He plays with the mobile & fish for 5- 10 minutes, crying a little every once in a while. Then he really started crying. Standing in the crib, reaching toward the door, screaming. He'd then pace up and down the crib rail, so pathetic, so irritated with mommy. He wasn't crying at full blast, it was more of a off and on, how dare you do this type of crying.

I went about my studying, had lunch, etc., all while watching & listening to him on the monitor. I told myself, "naps should be about 2 hours so I'll go get him at 2:12 p.m. if all else fails. What happened? He basically cried the entire time. What a stubborn stink-pot. Just before it was time to get up I went to the restroom and that was the funniest part -he heard me out there and then really turned it on - crying harder & louder than he had the entire time. Boy was he mad to hear me out there and know that I had left his precious little self in there in that torture chamber. Geez.

So at 2:12 p.m. I went in to get him. Of course he was even more tired than before and couldn't wait to nurse. As I expected it tried to nurse right away and go to sleep in the process. He laid down, got the death grip on his "breast friend" and nursed through random gasps of air - you know, the kind after you've been crying so hard you can't even believe it. Sheesh. But I wasn't about to let him sleep on me - that would mean he's won. So I basically kept him up the rest of the afternoon. Each time he'd fall asleep on me I'd take him to the crib. Each time we got near the crib he's wake up & begin crying immediately as if he smelled hydrochloric acid or something. I knew I wanted to have him sleep in his crib that night also so I figured it'd be best if he was good and tired so we didn't have another 2 hour crying session.

So at 9:00 p.m. after being changed & nursing to sleep in bed with me, I got up and took him to his crib. Of course, he started crying the second I put him down. We put on all the toys, gave kisses, said I love you, said night night, and then left & closed the door. I watched on the monitor as the crying commenced. It started to die down around 9:30 as he was sitting there (rather than standing) and crying while chewing on his finger and babbling, "gagagaga, babababab,nananana" sounds. Just then, Ishaku walks in there and it went to full blast again. I went in, frustrated that he'd gone in there when I felt we were starting to settle down. He was on the phone with his parents and they were worried about Immanuel and told him to go in there and make him feel better. Hmpf. We exchanged a few words and I left irritated. I watched on the monitor as he picked him up, put him down, patted his back, etc. Whatever, I'm going to bed. So when I fell asleep daddy was sitting on the floor beside the crib, arm through the slats, patting the back of a baby that was sitting up crying. I asked later what time he feel asleep finally and daddy said it was right about 10:00 p.m. Okay, that's one hour less crying than naptime, I'll take it.

So he woke up around 2 a.m. and nursed for about 20 minutes and then I took him back to his room, changed him, rocked a bit, and then into the crib. He started crying, of course, but shortly after 3 a.m. he was asleep on his blanket snoring. Okay, one point for mommy - going back to bed.

I didn't hear from him until 7 a.m.! Even then I only heard him stirring, looked, he was sitting up in the crib just looking around. Wow. I went in, he semi-cried then but I was very happy, smiling, saying, "good morning!" He seemed to respond well. We went to my bed & he nursed. I figured we'd be up then as that's our normal time to rise but I guess the night's trauma had taken it's toll on him & he crashed. I'm a sucker and let him sleep in our bed. He slept there until 8:30 ish. That's okay.

During the day on 6/16 he wasn't trying to nap again but frankly I didn't have the heart to torture him again - at least not during the day. He slept on me throughout the day. He needed rest & I needed to study. Whatever.

Last night was a different story. I might be soft during the day but we just have to make this happen at night and I've got to be consistent. (Talking myself up here.) So at 9:00 p.m. he'd fallen asleep while nuring & rocking. I changed him, put his toys on, said love you, night night, and left, closing the door after me. Crying. Watched on the monitor - wasn't as bad as the night before. I made home-made salsa & cleaned the kitchen. Went to bed and he fell asleep at 10:00 p.m. with head on his little pillow. Yea! I put the blanket on him, whispered I love you & went to our room. Daddy even came to bed with me! It was so nice to be able to cuddle again. Sadly, at 11 p.m. he awoke because the stupid dog went in his room. Stupid me for leaving the door cracked. So I nursed him and put him back in there. He cried less than 30 minutes & was back asleep. Another point for mommy. When did I hear from him next you ask? 6 a.m.!!! YES! I love progress & moving in the right direction! Granted, he nursed in bed with us and fell asleep, where I left him until he awoke around 8 a.m. but oh well, I'll take it! I think I'll try naptime again today....consistency is the best bet, right? This is why I don't blog as I'd like to - everything I want to talk about ends up being a novel - I'd never get anything else done. More to come on our sleep saga!

Need to update my blog!

Someday I want to be one of those people that I admire....the ones that blog all the time, the blogs I love to read, the ones that make me say to myself, "that is so awesome, they are going to have the coolest record of their lives to look back on some day. Their children will LOVE seeing this when they're older..." Ahhh, but alas, that is yet to be me. Why is it so hard? I always want tod document & remember everything. Blogging is the perfect way to do that. And still....nothing. Sigh. Oh well. Today is a new day, right? I need to add so much about life and especially Immanuel's heart journey since I last blogged a day before he went in. For now, though, I'm just going to start with today and what has brought me here, reflecting on blogs to begin with. See my next entry above!

Made it to KC & through pre-admission testing

Although I was wondering several times during testing if we were going to. The drive down was fine, we actually leave pretty close to the goal (wanted to leave from the school after picking the boys up at 4:10 but we were pulling outta town at 5:00) and got checked into the Ronald McDonald House (RMH) just after 8pm. This time we are staying at the Longfellow House and it's really nice, although our room is smaller. Isaac and Immanuel slept most of the way and after a late dinner at RMH, and a quick visit with granny & grandpa, we went to bed and actually slept alright. Then we got up this morning, got ready and headed to Children's Mercy at 10:00 a.m. Granny & grandpa kept the boys at RMH.

Testing was tough on mommy & Immanuel. First they checked his blood pressure O2 sats, height & weight. Then we filled out paperwork & answered a bunch of questions, stuck a bag to him to catch urine, met with the two different surgery nurses - Kathi & Kitty, then anesthesia, then a research nurse, then Dr. O'Brien, then bloodwork, then chest x-rays, and finally 3 hours later we were free to leave. Sigh. The poor baby was so picked on, prodded and over it by the end he was very emotional for several hours afterwards & you could just tell he'd had a tough morning. The bloodwork was the worst! He had to be held down on a table, screaming like crazy, while they tried to get enough blood for what they needed to do. The one good thing out of it all is that Dr. O'Brien wants him to be in a research study for CHDs, 1 of about 40, that they will track for 10 years, do histories on us - mom, dad & baby, bloodwork on us, take tissues from his surgery, etc., (and nothing will hurt him) to try to learn more about what causes this, so I felt very honored to be able to be a part of maybe learning more, finding a cure, or just getting to be part of the research that I am now advocating for anyway.

It was also pretty overwhelming just to hear all the details, to have to listen to the risks, and to sign off on it all. I'm still not really letting myself go too far down that road so I think I'm hanging in there pretty well. I really like Dr. O'Brien - he was warm, kind, friendly, spoke immediately to Immanuel, and didn't seem at all surgeon "untouchable" ish, but yet did seem very education & experienced - I'm very comfortable with him.

I was very excited to get to meet Melissa, Maccoy & Cayne! They were at CMH for Cayne's appointment so Immanuel & I went over to say hello. Although this was our first face-to-face meeting, it feels like we're old friends, so that was really great. The twins are SO cute and Maccoy stole my heart right away when we gave me a smile & was "talking" to his heart buddy almost immediately! Cayne was sleeping but was just as cute! They're all so stinkin cute!

Well, I guess that's enough for tonight. Hopefully I'll add more or edit in the future but for tonight I need to get my rest. The good Lord knows we have a big, big day ahead of us tomorrow.

Pray for Immanuel, I know God has a plan for this special little boy. We know he's a strong, brave, amazing little guy and he's going to do great tomorrow. We trust you completely. We turn him over to You, Lord, give him & us strength, peace, comfort & faith and may he feel You holding him in Your hands especially tomorrow when we are not able to hold him. God Bless Immanuel & mend his heart & deliver him back into our loving arms, where we always give praise & glory to You! Amen!!

St. Patrick's Day!

Just thought I'd share some of our fun today. We started the day off with green milk and green, shamrock-shaped pancakes, complete with one four-leaf clover! Isaac was NOT feeling the green food and refused to eat it until I finally talked him into just trying it, at which time he realized it didn't taste funny so he then ate it and enjoyed the humor. Isaac also said that, "Isaiah has on a baby poop green shirt but mine is real green." Too funny!

The baby also turned 8 months old today and it's been a day of many achievements! Earlier I saw him on all fours move both knees and I was almost ready to say he's crawling. Well, as the day progressed there is no doubt - it's offical as of today - this boy is crawling! It's not speedy but he is definitely up on all fours, moving both knees and both hands without falling and while moving forward so I think that is success! He also went from hands and knees to sitting up on his bottom for the first time ever later this afternoon! Finally, he crawled to the coffee table, wanted my netbook, reached up, got himself to kneeling & holding the coffee table ledge, and with my hands around his back slightly to catch him if needed, he pushed up to his feet so that he was standing at the coffee table and able to bang on my keyboard - he was so happy and I was so proud!

A few other milestones he's reached lately in honor of his 8 months is that in the last couple of days he's started clapping and if you sing pat-a-cake he'll clap. He's also saying dadadada a lot and even seems to say it when daddy walks in so I'm starting to think it's intentional. Lastly, if you wave at him he will sometimes wave his arm back.

Later in the day we got our green on, I got lots of cleaning/picking up done, got some paperwork done, overall felt like we got a lot accomplished, which has been rare lately, then Jaq came over to play with the boys, and as I type this, baby finally in bed, I'm enjoying my one and only green beer with lime in honor of the holiday. I haven't had many beers at all so this is rare but delish!

In other news, the baby's surgery is one week away. His health has been good and everything seems to be on track. I'm still freaked a bit but I know everything will be fine. Another heart mom I met here in town has a son a month younger than Immanuel with TOF and he had his repair 3/10 and was discharged 3/16! It's been so encouraging to follow his journey online through his caring bridge page. He did remarkably well and I can only pray ours goes as nicely as his did - I know it will, God willing! His mom also sent me a very helpful email with tips and suggestions for what to bring, etc., which I think is so awesome and has been very helpful as I plan, pack & prepare.

All in all it's been a good, green day. I'm so proud of my baby boy and all he achieved today! Gotta love & cherish these good days when I don't worry about things, get stuff done, and just enjoy my family!!! :0)

10 days away

I'm just feeling a little anxiety over the fact that Immanuel's surgery is 10 days from today. It's been a rough day as I awoke with a pounding headache that only got worse as the day went on. I took him for his 8 month pictures at JC Penney's and we did ones with all 3 boys without their shirts to document their scar-free chests before Immanuel has surgery. I had to leave early as my headache got worse and ended up throwing up two times as the day went on so Iwas never able to take anything. Finally tonight I felt better, ate an apple, kept it down and took some meds, which have made me feel much better. I still have a slight headache but nothing compared to earlier. The pictures turned out great and the boys were so awesome today!! Isaiah really helped to care for Immanuel as I didn't feel well and daddy was at work. Isaac got me crackers & ginger ale, and Immanuel was just a good baby as always. I KNOW everything is going to be fine and yet with each day that goes by my anxiety goes up a notch. I look forward to having him repaired, to knowing his heart is working better, and to knowing this is behind us more than now, but it's still hard. We also have a heart friend, Max, that lives in Wichtia, also has TOF, and had his repair 3/10/10 in Philadelphia. I've been keeping up with him and his progress on his caring bridge site and he's doing so great, and yet seeing exactly what he's going through had made it both easier and harder knowing that is almost EXACTLY what Immanuel will face in just 10 short days. Sigh....it's necessary, I know that, it's going to be fine, I have faith in that, I just can't say I'll ever be exactly happy to send my baby into open heart surgery.

The Jammies Ordeal

So yesterday I had a breakdown. A fairly big one. Bigger than I've had in awhile. And over the stupidest thing...jammies. I know, it's really just that the jammies were my trigger, but today I can laugh about it, thank God.

So here's a little back story... Last week Children's Mercy called on 2/23 & proposed Immanuel's surgery date be 3/23 but she was going to check with the surgeon to see if he'd do it on 3/22 to make it easier on us with regard to traveling. She never got back with me. I called on 2/25 to follow up, the surgeon said no to 3/22, she'd given away the 3/23 date (nice), and so we officially set the date for 3/25/10. A mended heart for my son is definitely the best birthday gift I could ever hope for this year...unless they could just give me his troubles, but since that can't happen I'll take the mended heart in him. Anyway, the scheduling was hard. Something about that made it so official. Then starts the planning. Planning for work, school, relatives, etc. My mom lost it when she heard we had a date. Then I get this letter & packet of information from the hospital about how to get ready for the surgery & what to expect a few days ago. I started reading it as I waited for the boys to get out of school but I started to choke up and just put it away. I didn't want to be crying when the boys got in the van & scare them.

That night I read it. It was informative & helpful & yet depressing and scary. Again, all these things are making it so real. Two things in the letter really got to me....one was that they'll give us special soap to use on the baby the night before the surgery. What? Ugh, that feels yucky, whatever it is. The other was the recommendation to bring comfortable, loose-fitting clothes/jammies from home to promote wellness rather than illness. Okay. So I send an email to the CHD group for recommendations as to what kind of jammies from those that have been there done that. That almost made it worse because some suggested jammies with snaps so the cords could go out the holes between the snaps. Others suggested jammies without snaps because the x-rays techs didn't like the metal snaps.

So because I had a coupon for babies-r-us that was expiring I decided to go get him some special jammies for surgery. Once there I found three pairs that kind of fit the bill. As I sat there in the store holding him against me in the sling, he was sleepy and drifting off as I sang "You are my Sunshine," I patted his back and looked over the three pair of jammies I'd selected. One pair was your standard snap-up jammies and a definite yes. The second pair was a top & bottom but the top had two metal snaps to make the neck opening larger to pull over your head. The third pair was a top and bottom with no snaps but the top has to be pulled over the head as is. Then I stood there, holding my precious, sleeping baby, trying to visualize him in the hospital after surgery...should we get the metal snaps one, what about the x-rays, if I get the other pull over ones, will he be able to sit up & have a shirt pulled over his head or will that hurt him? At that point I just lost it and started crying in the store thinking of what my baby is about to endure. I bought all three and just got outta there, crying the entire way home. I cried off and on the next few hours.

My sister-in-law called during that time and let me vent a bit, which was very needed. When Shock got home I showed him the jammies and thankfully rather than responding as he normally would with the "it's just jammies, I don't care, Kendra" reply he gave me his opinion immediately and liked the two with snaps. I thanked him for just helping and not asking questions and then returned what I called my "emotional buy" jammies.

Thankfully since then I have calmed down and I do realize that everything is going to be fine...I've always known that. When he was first diagnosed it was pretty hard but shortly thereafter I just had peace about it because of my faith I knew that God has a plan for him, and while I may not understand, it's not for me to understand, I just need to have faith & trust Him, which I do, and that has done wonders for me. I've think I've been rather stoic up until recently. After reflecting on the jammies ordeal I'm realzing that as the date gets closer, and I keep checking things off the to-do list before surgery, things are just becoming more and more real, which is causing me to feel more anxiety. I explained to my dad that it's like as the surgery nears my feelings and emotions are bubbling to the surface more and more, and that with any little crack in my exterrior those emotions could come pouring out. Occassionally I think it's okay to go there, even cathardic, but for hte most part I'm trying very hard not to dwell in that sad place because I *know* he's going to be fine, he's strong, and our Lord is with him always. I just hate that he has to go through this at all, that he'll be in pain, and that I can't take that away for him.

I am so thankful for our awesome family and friends! You all are proving to be such a great support system - whether it's prayers, love, calls, offers to help in anyway, or simply a place to vent, it's been invaluable and I hope you all know how much you mean to us and how much we love you.

P.S. Above you'll see pictures of the pairs of infamous jammies I got for him. :0)